conversation mojo

Last night I essentially hung up on a good friend because we couldn’t talk to one another.  It was like we were both standing on different planes – angled stages that were perpetually moving, veering us away from one another.  Every attempt at communication was a misfire, our timing was out of whack - neither of us could find one meaningful thing in anything the other had to say.  It has been like this for the past several conversations and I couldn’t bear the frustration of it any longer.  This friendship was born of a connection that was marvelously in synch since the moment we met five years ago, and I didn’t know what to do with this situation but to walk away and try again next time.

This morning I woke up to messages saying “you are not a [very bad word]” and “I love your un-[very bad word]ness” and so it seemed he had forgiven me on the whole thing.  And which also must mean that at some point in between my hanging up and his sending messages that said I was NOT a [very bad word], I had been called a [very bad word].

Now, dear reader, you may not find it surprising that, as I rolled over to go to sleep last night, exhausted from the nowhere exchange, I was cursing HIM and his goddamn cheeky bravado and his not taking my frustration seriously.  But the thing is I adore his cheeky bravado, I always have; it usually makes me laugh.  As it did this morning when I found those messages assuring me that I am not a [very bad word].  Nevertheless, having slept on it I wondered if the whole thing really was my fault.

Because the past few days have given me more than this one cause to question my aptitude in the ways of conversation.  I started to write “art of conversation,” but that’s something else, no?  Isn’t the “art of conversation” something associated with one’s ability to interact in a social setting, like a party?  The “art of conversation” is a social tool, to be employed in certain situations.  Some people are gifted in that art – they can enliven a gathering, make others feel confident and special, and engage others in stories.  Other people are socially retarded.  You know the type - their attempts at conversation only make others feel uncomfortable or hostile.  They put words out there that fall with a loud clatter on the floor leaving one or more people cringing in pain.  My situation is about personal communication - and can personal communication be an art?

I’ve always thought of myself as a pretty good conversationalist.  I’m not one of those gifted ones to any degree and I am hopeless with small talk.  And, as last night showed, I am incapable of carrying the load of a flagging conversation.  I am very social and I love all kinds of gatherings – from intimate to large – particularly when good conversation springs forth organically from the chemistry bouncing about the room.

And I have the ability to engage people in ideas and concepts – at least that's what a number of writing students have said.  I can hold my own in intellectual discussions (or at least ask appropriate questions), and I’m aware of current events and politics.  I do avoid anger and bad feelings, probably too much, and depending on the assembled – I may or may not voice what are often pretty strong opinions.  If I sense everyone is a grown up about it and would manage a debate fairly and good-naturedly, then I’m all about it. 

It’s personal conversations that have taken a piece out of me the past few days.  Or I should say the personal discussions that haven’t happened for reasons I’m still trying to work out.  Because it also happened with another person, with whom there was chemistry and everything else seemed to gel naturally; everything except the talking.

If it is me (though I still maintain last night wasn’t entirely my fault), I sense it’s got to do with the recent stepped-up action in the dating world – a world that’s always brought out my very best awkward.  And if that’s the case – I don’t like it one bit.  This is a wall that’s got be knocked down.  Pronto.

Maybe I should look upon my conversation aptitude as an art after all.  And hanging up probably wasn’t the most creative way to deal with last night’s nowhere-talk.  You know, I’ve always had a creative mind, and perhaps I, the creative thinker, will just have to apply those skills to bring back my conversation mojo.

Comments

[Reluctant Blogger]

With me, I think sometimes I just can't do talking and often I don't realise until it's a bit late. I'm never entirely sure why - it doesn't usually relate to my wanting to hide phases - it's almost a form of laziness or sleepiness maybe when it comes to talking. But it always gives me moments of self-doubt too. But the phases pass. Generally I am good at one to one talking - can talk to almost anyone at any level - but much less good in larger groups (the entertaining people type of thing).

I hope your mojo returns. I find a glass or two of wine, but not too many glasses, helps a bit!! But obviously not if the conversation is mid-morning!!

[Cathy]

Sometimes Sis the best thing to say is nothing (more) and the best thing to do is end that conversation for awhile.. and often slamming the phone down is best way to stop it in a hurry..before you say something you may regret. But it is the sign of a good friendship that this act does not slam down the friendship.. that it can survive an occasional slamming. Maybe it just slams home the frustrations, and gives one pause to stop and look at the situation from another angle.

Am sure you and I will talk more on this.. next week maybe? I'll see you next Tuesday! ;)

[lisahgolden]

I'm curious about the details, but I won't ask. Not the conversation details, but the dynamic. And I wonder if this is happening with people you've known for a very short time as well as with people you've known for a while.

Funny - I had a brief conversation with someone this afternoon that flagged quickly. He was talking about something that really excited him, but it was a repeat of what he'd told me in an earlier email. I realized that that topic would likely be the extent of our conversation. When my cell dropped the call, as it often does when I'm at home, I didn't call him back. I texted my apology and told him that I'd catch up with him some other time since he was at work. And I felt great relief about the call dropping because I wasn't able to engage with him at all.

I had a longer, more engaging conversation with a woman I met in the garbage bad aisle at the grocery store this afternoon.

[Jennifer]

You're very similar to me RB - I don't know why the words don't come sometimes. I will them to come for all I'm worth. And I will wholeheartedly say that for me, too, it can be laziness. I love chatty people, I fit well with them. Sometimes I find I am just enjoying them and realise I've been too quiet.

And with me it always passes too. The reservedness I have when I meet people always goes away.

And yeah - the wine thing helps! haha

[Jennifer]

You're right sister - sometimes, it's just right to stop saying things for the time being. I must clarify - I didn't slam. In fact, I qualified the initial verb "hung up" with "essentially" - because I told him I was going to hang up and I said goodnight. I think he didn't believe me.

And I don't believe it will harm the friendship, though I'll be glad when we talk again and sort it out. But I absolutely agree - I hope this causes both of us to look at the whole thing from a new angle.

We will talk - see you next Tuesday! :-)

[Jennifer]

You're more than welcome to ask by email. Yes, the second person was new, I'd only known him a short while. I probably should have made more of a point to describe in the post my ability to clam up and shut down. I never felt like I was, or wanted to, with bloke #2 - but then there's background with me that probably caused me to stay behind wall longer than I should have. -OR- he just prefers chattier people. Whatever.

And yes, it's all about the engaging with one another. I probably would have done with the dropped call what you did. Funny how conversations happen, eh?

[Cathy]

Hehe not sure where I got the word 'slam.' Maybe I had veered off into my own 'slam the phone down' fantasy... :)

[Susannah]

I think we go through phases (like the weather) when sometimes things flow smoothly and some times they don't and feel awkward and stilted, this can happen in lots of ways not just in communication.

If it is something you have noticed with more than one person, then perhaps I could explain it astrologically, for instance your mercury (communication)could perhaps be being touched (transited)by a planet that would temporarily affect its expression. (short astrology burst over. lol)

Like the weather, the phase will usually blow over.

[Selma]

This type of thing is difficult. It's like everything you really want to say stretches out in front of you and you just don't know where to start. Don't be too hard on yourself. I can imagine you would be brilliant to have a conversation with. Look at it this way. At least you're not like me - the type who just gabs on and on. At least you are thoughtfully considering your words - not just blabbing at random. I'm sure your mojo is working better than you think!

[sherrill]

Men... meh! LOL It's not you, Jenn, it's the whole venus mars scenario. YOU ARE WONDERFUL and certainly not that (bad word). I love you!

[Jennifer]

It must have been Cathy, hahaha Not that I haven't had a phone slamming fantasy or two. Why just at work this morning...

[Jennifer]

Yes, well it's not new to me at all, really Susannah - it's quite common with people I don't like, or am having a disagreement with, or with someone with whom I share bad chemistry. None of these things applies to either of the blokes mentioned in the piece. So the horoscope related explanation works for me.

Maybe I should consult with you before I go on any first dates or getting involved with new people! :-)

[Jennifer]

Yes - your metaphor is perfect, re: not knowing where to start.

And yes pal - I *CAN* be brilliant to have a conversation with, and the bloke I hung up on might even concur with that. As for bloke number two, well you can't pin somebody down and hold them until your mojo returns. I expect it probably ran deeper, and this was just the tipping point.

[Jennifer]

LOL - I love you too Sherrill. Maybe it was me a little, and in all my wonderfulness, I can probably be a [very bad word] on rare occasion. ;-)

[LindyLouMac]

Is it me or is it just that January seems to be upsetting everyone albeit in different ways. Take Care.

[Jennifer]

Hmm Maybe it's something about that light (lack of)!

[Little hat]

Jenn, Don't you just hate that awkward stuff. Especially with newish friends; especially if it's got a dating context. Old friends you can just tell them you're too tired and they'll understand; or you've had years of practice in getting past the 'same old hobby-horse conversation. The new ones make me feel a little stupid, like I'm inadequate or got some problem - BUT WAIT I just had a great conversation with somebody else so it's not necessarily me and it's not terminal. Takes two to tangle.
I love it when the friendship/relationship gets to the point when you can honestly say 'I feel like shit' or 'sometimes i just don't do the phone conversation stuff very well. Can we meet for coffee?' Or 'It's not a good time for me right now'. Even blokes have to use that one every now and then.

On another topic.
I'm trying to find time to write about story and story telling in response to your recent blog and in relation to the post-flood healing process in my local community and also my Vanuatu project. Stories for understanding and healing and strengthening links and finding the positive. Watch out for it.

[Jennifer]

Yes I DO hate that awkward stuff! Because I don't FEEL like an awkward person - that person just comes out now and then. And yes, thank heavens for the good, old friends who remind you how easy and relaxed it is when it's at its best.

I can't wait for your story! An important one, in my eyes, but I'm sure I don't have to convince you.